I miss you

Apabila kamu berada dalam gundah..

Apabila tiada kuasa yang bisa menolak kehadiran..

Apabila perasaan itu menerjah tanpa mengambil kira erti rasional seorang manusia..

Ketahuilah.. seseorang sedang berada dalam ingatan sesorang..

http://youtu.be/hlCj_6Jku8w

itu kah tanda sayang atau cinta?

I am Johorean.. Jadi.. "kepada Allah berserah" Keep going.. Ya Allah permudah dan percepatkan segala urusan agar ujian ini berakhir sepantasnya. Engkau maha menyayangi dan maha mengetahui sesuatu yang tersirat.. Tidak sesekali diri ini sangsi dan bersangka buruk kepada ujianMu.. Sekadar mohon hidayahMu agar tetapkan hatiku utk kekal tabah dan kembali menyusur jalan yg lurus.. Sekiranya takdir tiada tertulis namaku.. Seandainya takdir tidak membisakan hidup ini berkeluarga.. Ya Allah.. Hindarilah hati ini dari terus menyayangi insan yang berkemungkinan membuatkan angan-angan seorang insan bernama perempuan ini lengkap..kekal.. Agar tiada bergantung harap.. Agar tidak bersandar impian.. Agar tidak meratapi perpisahan.. Agat tiada berkeinginan.. Agar tidak merasa kerinduan.. Agar hindar dari sedih yang berpanjangan.. Moga kasih sayang itu bersandar pada yang sudi.. Berlapik pada insan yang sedia.. Tiada salah merasa rindu.. Tapi mohonku hanya pada yang berupaya membalasnya.. Kerana rindu padaMu lebih besar sandaran nya.. Hati insan ini tiada terjangkau keupayaannya.. Bisa merindu yang tiada berbalas.. Kelak sendiri menghiris diri.. Kembalikan keyakinan.. Ketabahan.. Fokus pada keupayaan untuk kekal sendiri sehingga akhirnya.. Andainya si dia masih sihat dibumi mu.. Sedang berusaha mencariku.. Permudahkan urusannya.. Agar yang terjalin itu dibangunkan itu adalah keranaMu ya Allah.. Jika tiada.. Malapkan perasaan menunggu itu.. Hapuskan impian menggunung itu.. Agar lebih meredhai keadaan semasa dan tidak melebih2 mohon yang luar dari biasa.. Engkau penentu dan pengadil yang bijaksana.. Terlalu banyak kelemahan diri ini sehingga tiada yang bisa berkongsi bersama.. Menjarak di saat mula.. Justeru.. Ku mohon tiada lagi yang mendekati jika sekadar hadir menulis memori.. Yang kucari insan yang menjadi pena dan pemadam dalam diari hidupku.. Moga Allah mempermudah dan memperkenan doa ku.. Agar tiada lagi resah menanti dan remuk dihimpit rindu pada yang bukan milikku..ameen..

Glancing - Seimbas pandangan.. Eased the...

Recovering the spirit..

When there was a situation when you miss someone so very much (*obviously too much**)
which you know the chances would be 20-80, how could we face this situation rationaly?

Let me share mine. I do not have guts to over reacting towards something.. Usually, when people say "No", I would say.. "Its up to you".. Follow rules set to me.. Follow orders, Facilitate people at the best level I can.. To me, its not because you do not have stand.. but you are trying not to hurt their feeling by rejecting them. Be honest with you guys.. The return are worth, trust me. I would say.. Due to considering others, HE considers mine...

I've been missing someone so much till one day, I could not overcome such feeling anymore longer. Till a stage where, when you open up your eyes early in the morning.. that face turn first after you grabbed your handphone to look at the time whether you have missed your Subh prayer or not.. That day seems so haunted when each angle in your heart.. that person kept on knocking your heart.. I tried this way.. Believe that person is always there with you.. With du'a, hoping for HIS guidance.. We've met in my dream and it was so close till you can feel it in real. So real till you are no longer have the feeling.

I've tried again for few times. Latest, HE has made arrangement where I will be away for few days and usually I would met or call or text all of my beloved dear(s). However, the situation hurdle me to meet someone. Again, HE knows me well.. Out of nowhere, we accidentally falls eyes between us.. A glance which washed up the whole tears of missing.. How I could say it loudly.. Dear lover(s).. all people that I love most.. My heart is so perfect as you are inside me..

Please.. be grateful of what you have rather that keep on wishing for things we dont have..

When I start my day by being grateful of what I have

- Healing process

The Secret brought me to another chapter of a secret life.. To be grateful of whatever you have. To appreciate what you have in present and throw positive thinking for future. So, I start by cherishing my day.. "Thank you for make me still alive, I am grateful for having my best friend loving me, for having my hero who encourage me towards HIM, for having a well-planned strategies for Research University.. etc"

I started my day continuing my recitation of Al-Quran, Surah An-Nur (My surah).. and I stopped at An-Nur (24:32)
"Marry those among you who are single, or the virtuous ones among yourselves, male or female: if they are in POVERTY, Allah will give them means out of His grace: for Allah encompasseth all, and he knoweth all things" Rezeki ada di mana-mana, InsyaAllah..

Its alert me to be more rationale and stay put to my initial principles. Being grateful of what we have made my best friend text me early in the morning wish Morning personally (shocked me for few second before I replied).. followed by another bestest friend of mine seeking assistance in dealing dengan my ex-schoolmate bf tuk beli baju.. My ex-asasian bf, ajak mendaki broga hill.. - its when you grateful of what you have in present.

As I am grateful by having hero in my life, this weird.. I am waiting for this Friday meeting but turn out.. I have been appointed to join IIUM delegation to Indonesia.. Excited plus frustrated coz I will not be joining the meeting.. held at.. hahaha.. I should say, you know where

There might be reasoned for HIM to arrange it that way. :) It might be a big smile versus long ended sorrow.. may be.. However, I have to seek for my buku merah.. (Dear Tun Razak - not that buku merah).. Packing... Nyesal jer tukar duit Malaysia from Rpiah..

Again happy things.. Nabil called me mentioning on his result.. He passed.. Tomorrow result will be finally released. One more will be graduating this year.. I am waiting for my lil hero and my hero.. My prayer will always be with you.

Whatever it is.. Its part of gaining back your spirit to stand again on your own feet..

When you put HIM aside for one second after a great moment HE gave you.

I have stopped from writing on this blog after experiencing very big changes in my life. It was so much hurt and a deep adult hurt which somehow beyond my expectation. It starts when I felt certain of settling down. It was two (2) months back and things were happened because of me.

I am sharing this just to ensure people did not repeat the same mistake. After waiting for two (2) years admiring and hoping for someone which you never have chances to be near him be with you, at last, the law of attraction with HIS guidance have put us together. When I know that I just could not afford of losing him, I was selfish. I left HIM from being part of our relationship. I was too afraid.. Too afraid that he is not the owner of the rib that I am holding of.

Cherish all the great moments, sharing thoughts and feelings.. Try knowing the positives and negatives side of us have led us to a serious talk. Allow me to quote lyrics bulan ditutup awan.. “Wahai janji setia sudah diucapkan. Aduh, kata bersumpah telah kupadukan..” The courage inside me made me so confident and certain of this relationship.

Here when it comes, when you try to avoid HIS involvement in your life. When you intentionally did not seek HIS guidance in deciding on this relationship because of your selfishness and too carried away by the miracle which HE is the one who made all those arrangement. And HE allowed you to design your life like you wanted to. Till you at last realized that you just could not go further without HIS blessing.

Things changed drastically when I tie a promise with HIM that I will be marrying him if and only if I successfully completed reciting Al-Quran (khatam) in which to be honest, I have tried so many years to complete but due to self intervention I failed in accomplishing it. Itulah dia.. manusia mudah leka dengan nikmat dan pemberianNya.

In fact, I have put my deep believe of HIM in deciding what best for me by a short note to Sr. Masita before she left for umrah. She read my prayer to HIM and within those two (2) weeks (she still performing her umrah) HE has answered my prayer. Ya Allah, I am so sorry for the worst things I have ever done.

The faith took charged and we were totally separated. He is in his own way.. and me on mine.. Itulah dia “jodoh dan pertemuan itu di tangan Tuhan”. HE loves me so much. I should realize that earlier. HE has been there to assist me and guide me whenever I need. All I have to do is just to sincerely put my du’a (request) to HIM.

HIS has been there since I am broke after losing RM60K, since I have been push towards my limit during completing my master, since I was jobless after pull out from UKM, HE gave me opportunity to be an officer at Johor, Johor Port Authority. Then I felt lonely staying far alone, I wished days and nights to be transferred and HE answered again. I have received offer from IIUM within two weeks of my present at Pasir Gudang. Now, HE arranged my wish (since I am a kid) to met person from my hometown.

I was a jerk for not thanking HIM of what HE did to me. And again, I am hoping HIS assistance and guidance to put me back in order. I have losing my track, and HE knows it well. So, please people out there, HE should be the DIRECTOR and PRODUCER of our life. Never decide without HIS guidance. Only HE has the ultimate power, no matter how perfect the plans and designs you have made.

For HIM, I am reserving my life for your re-consideration.
For him, I hope it’s the best. Kita merancang, tuhan menentukan.
For me, I should say (with mood “terukir dibintang”), as of now, this heart is just no longer belongs to me. But I seek HIS assistance to bring it back to me from him if he turns out not to be the correct owner of the rib I am holding and he is not my true HERO and IMAM.

Happy sharing! Yakin dengan ketentuanNya dan berserah.. insyaAllah..

Sharing is caring..

I love you more than ever

Lets continue our story.. Its 26 October 2011 when he decided to approach me seriously.. It takes me few minutes to think and decide. It was too fast to start but i can feel the chemistry between us. He confidently said.. He never express his feeling ever. He seems too naive and too humble. Thats made him special to me. It doesnt last and this was the shortest but really painful. Why? Coz i allowed him to be nearer to me. We have frequently met for breakfast..lunch or even dinner..

I praise to Allah for all of the moments. Many things shared.. Its great to actually to have partner. I felt my life complete.. Stable job.. Loving bestfriend.. family n him.. But it doesnt last. I was so certain by my feeling.. But we cant execute as plan. He turned me down.. Honestly.. I cant even properly exhale or inhale.

Things distracted. Ive lost focus n control.. All my effort and mind have been critically thinling ways and possibility to make things better.. Yet. Ive failed. Lets turn him into literature.. Start a new book..thank you for everything.. I wont dare to be with man anymore.. Dun.. N never

Trigger has been pulled and hit us in deep

Gosh! Staying in this room quietly has initiated my mood to update this blog. Wait, let me place my order first. Urm, Mc Donald je la. Let start the story. It was 27th convocation, the history repeated. Everytimes I saw PhD graduan pass by stage, my heart eagerly urge me to pursue my studies. Best part is, this time, I text my previous lecturer who is currently trn out to be the head of department. Wot a great start. He willingly welcome me to join the FEA back. Im lucky as Ive also obtained positive feedback from my former fellow who is now holding a post as a Deputy Dean (PGR) at Sport Centre, MU. Join supervisor is possible. Urm, I promise my former supervisor, Dr. ALI that we will have an appointment to discuss on my research topic.

The point is, its like "hot hot chicken shit" when no follow up ever made since that. Ive been transferred to the Admission unit which doesnt permit me to start my PhD. Work constraint. Perhaps, i can leave CPS with good improvement on the admission processes. Things happen for a reason. No problem. Its Rezza's graduation day when he was on duty to hand scroll to the Deputy Dean, A&R. Since this happen before October, I should proudly called A&R. Hahha. Tetibe nada dengki kuar.

Mak ai, mcm org nk g menikah lagak gayany. Hahaha. I was with k.yan mase tu. Sambil gelak2 ckp psl mamat ni. "amboi k.yan, bkn main lagi org tua ats stage tu usha makwe br grad". We bumped several times, but he seems too busy kononnya. In fact, I try to stop him. Tapi, its lucky for not stopping him or else, definitely the whole family will be introduced to him indirectly. See? Things happen for a reason. Punya la lalu laju jer depan kita smpi kita pggl pn buat dek, sah mamat ni xbole makan. Haha. Wotever.

Few days later, its final day when I was on stage to be as wot he be. Dengan robe yg berat, which i xmau pkai coz im hoping for PhD robe from MU. As the session ended, it was during lunch time and k.yan was there waiting for me. Here comes the red button pushed. She wanted to snap picture of me n him. Xotai la kalu xmau gambar. Professional ina, professional. Haish, k.yan ni.

Ok la, i never asked for that picture pun till i came to know that she has immediately share it through fb. OMG!!! He acted first and it seems like he didnt favor it. Biasalah, to me, normal reaction. i just keep myself silent when he got into his nerve. K.yan, k.yan. I try my luck to hit the spot. With few hidden questions. Gotcha, he responded and ive got the absolute answer.

Its end there. K.yan try to be matchmaker rupanya. Hahaha. Xjd pun. Hehehe. She kept asking the progress, and ive told her, please la, i cant be with this guy. And she asked me why. Rational is rational and she understood. But she seems help me figure out ways to my true feeling when she said, k.yan rase die tgh sambung belajar. :o)

Wide open heart? See? Gurls, slalu mcm tu, cpt bnor pecah tembok cina ny. Nope, im not. It was rebuilt and continuously rebuilt so i wont have feeling or crush on him. Tolongla. Ina, grows up. U r not girl of age 15 la.

How can I confirm? Wait!!Why should I? Haih.. Otuke? +_+'

Got to share with u, guys that i fall of will turn out to be my bestfriend. Why? I dun think I can be theirs, so to be near, lets make friends. Hahhaa. Sape my best boyfriends? Too many la. It ways for me to block my feeling from carried away. Borink merintih pd yang tentu2 x bersapa tepukan tu. Try to do it.. Its work out well on me.. Fine...

As I try, usaha la nk jadi kwn, (although mls da nk bt kwn baru da umur2 camni..) by texting through fb. PM la which I could confidently said worst text ever!! "En. ****, sy da tukar unit with k.yan. Hope u can assist her in future." Kaitssss kn? Mamat ni mmg pembaris. Da la. Lets try other people la. That might be the reasons why he is still single. Not interested to woman agkny. But dats good to have him as my friends. Hahaha.

Wotever. Maleh la. Dat would not be suitable match la. Gaya gitu, jenuh lak nk bbual, asek kena cari idea n isu. Eh, hahahaha but suddenly I've got respond. He intended to buy me lunch. Me? Org blanja babe, mkn free, ape lg. It was my first lunch nasi arab at IIUM cafe beside B.Muamalat. Urm, sedap gak. Harga pun marvellous. Memang haibat la sepatah kata Danish. Hahaha. Nasib ar, sape suh nk blnja kt ctu. Briyani kambing, mandy lg. Tu je pn yg i familiar with. Huhu.

Wotever reason it might be, the picture brought us nearer. Teman sevillage la katakan. Kena jaga repo la. Hahaha. Next, when txt msg conversed fluently till we can't help losing penny for each txt being sent. I could not define this feeling clearly. And I hate it so much. Chill breaks!! As u go through this experience along with me, u will realize, its a short term feeling of love. But never stop loving people. Never. Sometimes, HE lend u the person for a while, for u to know that someone out there is meant for u. Not to stop urself from searching. Give up is for loser. Stand up n be on ur feet. My beloved best friends, Azua, Jaja n Mon, u guys are my strength at this point. Thank you for always there by my side. Here, for people I love within this life long journey, i thank you so much for hold me up when i stumble.

Lets share this video clip I've obtained from youtube. Credit to the person who made an effort to upload such an amazing masterpiece of work. Thank you for loving me, and count on me.. Thank you!!