Wedding of His Brother

Seminggu bercuti di kampung.. Kalah yang berkahwin lagaknya..

He was on leave, a week before the event. No fbchat.. He seems busy.. Latest was his picture taken at the roof top.. repairing something. Since he was at his hometown, our message were reduced into 3 messages (maximum).

It was two days before the wedding, he sent me the invitation. naah... (ajak-ajak ayam la tu..). It was weekend, I was with Ayi doing nothing.. Hurm.. since I was invited and no plan that weekend, I asked Ayi's assistance to accompany me.

It was a long hours journey since we entered the first exit tol and caught in a 'tortoise moved' traffic. As I reached there, wow.. it was a really great view. 'saujana mata memandang'. A new experienced for both of us (me and ayi) when we had to sit separately. After completed the meal, I decided to go back without meeting him. I ended my fbchat with "kalau ada jodoh, kita jumpa ye.. I do not plan to meet you unless we bump into each other and I'm going back.. thank you for the foods".

I confidently feel that he will not read his phone during this busy hours. Suddenly, someone standing behind me. He found me. Since this was our first met, I already brought him a souvenirs, a pen (my favourite gift to all people who I admired and adore). but in this case, not admire or adore, it was more to salam perkenalan. A pen written "Helmi, February 23". It was initially assignment given by him, to find our first fbchatting since he found the date we became friend at fb (which an assignment I gave him earlier). huh!

He introduced me to his mother and I could hear some people talking about us. Hahaha... Biasalah orang-orang tua.. mengusiknya tak tinggal... Kawan la.. xkenal pun mamat ni... Ok.. We had spent about half an hour there.. Nice to meet him in person. Good looking juga maybe sebab dia botakkan kepala die.. So lengchai.. hahaa..

Nice to meet you, bro.. I hope this friendship last forever.

mamiena

DIA mengetuk sifat ingin tahuku kepadanya

Terlalu lama rasanya blog ini ditinggalkan tanpa sebarang kata.

Rentetan daripada dugaan yang menampar benak jiwa, setelah bertahun mengelak dari rasa derita dihimpit perasaan putus kasih, setelah hampir 15 tahun mengasing diri, tiap pertemuan dengan seorang adam, pastinya kategori mereka hanyalah kawan, teman sekerja, adik, abang.. dikunci rapat pintu untuk menerima seorang adam sebagai kekasih.

Ujian maha hebat melanda. Bagai dihiris sembilu, tiap hari menangis, meratap menagih sebab mengapa ditinggalkan pergi. Sesungguhnya, yakin dan percayalah bahawa Allah itu maha hebat perancangannya. Mencari erti cinta bersandarkan kasih tidak berbelah bahagi tampaknya terlalu luar biasa, terlalu sukar untuk direalisasikan bagi seorang manusia di bumi Allah. Kehilangan pada masa akan datang setelah bersama pastinya memberi lebih dalam kesan kepada jiwanya. Biarlah ia menjadi suatu kenangan untuk dikongsi peritnya pada ketika ada yang meniti derita yang sama. Singkat tapi dalam rasanya. Ada ketika marah pada diri sendiri kerana terlalu percaya pada manis bicara seorang manusia.

Jodoh pertemuan itu ditangan tuhan. Sirrun... Tiada diketahui masanya. Perkenalan singkat bermula dengan hanyalah bualan biasa antara dua sahabat yang tidak mengenali antara satu sama lain. bulan berganti bulan.. dalam kebanyakan pertemuan bicara tulisan di antara dua insan, tiada yang berkekalan. Asal niatnya mengisi ruang kosong sebagai teman berbual.

Jelasnya, insan ini terlalu unik, setelah berbulan berbual, tiada banyak yang dikongsikan. Lebih kepada rutin hariannya ke mana sahaja pergerakannya dikongsi. Dia bukan mencari teman berbicara, dia bukan ingin mencari teman meluah rasa kosong. Rutinnya penuh, tiada ruang untuk merasa kosong. Jarang berkongsi hal peribadi, dia hadir sekarang memaklum rutin perjalanan hidupnya.

Siapakah lelaki ini? Hurm.. asal tidak berbual yang bukan-bukan, aku biarkan sahaja dia mewarnai hari-hariku. Rutinnya mudah, sehari, telefonku pasti menerima minimum 5 teks masuk daripadanya.
1. Da sampai office
2. Jom makan tengahari
3. Masa untuk balik
4. Saya ke futsal/badminton (Isnin- Futsal; Selasa, Jumaat - Badminton)
5. Good nite.

teksnya akan lebih apabila ada yang ingin dibincangkan, nak beli kasut baru, nak ke site...

Lain sungguh gayanya.. terlalu naif dan bersahaja.. tidak pernah mengutara rasa rindu, jauh sekali cuba melebihi batas hubungan sahabat. Mengandaikan dia telah dimiliki, fbchat itu dibiar.. acuh tak acuh... Rutinku sebaliknya digalur pada FB tidak bertuan.,

Siapa dia lelaki ini, tanpa dikenali, pendekatannya jauh sekali berbeza dari yang lain.

p/s: mungkin aku terlalu ortodoks, tidak memberi ruang untuk keluar bersama berdua. jauh sekali berpegang tangan, padaku, itu hanya untuk si Dia yang halal untukku satu hari nanti.

Mungkin atas persepsi itu, diri ini selalu kaget dan tidak yakin untuk keluar dengan lelaki tanpa teman melainkan sudah bertahun menjadi kawan.. (dan bila mereka melayanku seperti mereka) bukan sebagai sahabat perempuan. Kerana itu kenalanku hanyalah terhad kepada alam maya di luar negara. mudahkan?

DIA, membuat aku merasa mudah... siapakah lelaki ini yang hadirnya tiba-tiba?

A Lenchai eliminates the Hero

It has been an eon days since my last post. 

Suatu kehilangan yang dirasakan begitu menyentap kekuatan diri dan begitu menguji nilai iman seorang wanita. Bagai hilang arah, bagai hilang tempat bersandar rasa, bagai didabung bila sesuatu janji yang termeteri dilerai tanpa sebab munasabah.

Minit berganti jam, jam berganti hari, hari berganti bulan, bulan berganti tahun. Setahun dibiar lara, diperhebat dengan berita tekad berhenti kerja. Naluri keras membalut kuat hati untuk ajak bersemuka, tiada lagi rasa kasih, apakan lagi erti sayang, jauh sekali meniti cinta. Persoalan ditepis dengan alasan bersahaja.

Bertapa Allah itu maha mengetahui, walau sehebat mana perancangan manusia, aturan strategi, binaan berlapis tembok besar China mengawal hati dan rasa, andai kehendakNya mengizinkan ujian yang melukakan, NAH! itulah dugaannya.

Pada ketika itu, erti janji manusia tiada berpanjangan, tiada yang boleh disandarkan tanpa izin yang maha kuasa. Tiada lagi kekuatan untuk mempertahan. Sekadar usaha dari jauh mohon izinNya mengatur yang sebaiknya.

Tiap hari tikar sejadah menemani sepertiga malam, mohon diberi ketenangan dan dihapuskan rasa gulana yang menyulam hati. Aturan kerja kembali terancang. Usaha mengisi ruang kekosongan dengan pelbagai acara aturan sendiri.

Hari bertukar hari, satu sapaan menerjah ruangan FBchat, sejurus selepas selesai salam kedua Subuh. "Salam, da subuh?" hurm.. 23 Februari detik mula sebuah persahabatan. Berganti masa, jadual aktiviti mula dikongsi. Kian diperhebat dengan kegilaan mendapat nyawa untuk menerus perjuangan dalam candycrush. "Nyawa.. Nyawa."."Awak, nak tiket.. cepat-cepat..."

Nah, tanpa sedar, seakan kehilangan. andai tiada sapaan rutin. Mula merasakan janggalnya hari. Namun, masih tidak tegar bertukar nombor telefon. Ruangan maya terus menjadi sandaran. Rasa itu dibiar lalu, fokusnya masih pada FBchat yang telah dipinggirkan si dia.

Dalam mengharungi hari, tiap 17hb bersambut di susuk cafe AIKOL, tiap hari tanpa berhenti berkongsi cerita pejabat.. tanpa mengharap ditatap, jauh sekali dibaca. Membiar rasa itu ditenangkan tanpa diketahui insan lain. Cara terbaik dengan izin Allah, agar 'the pride preserved'

Nantilah sambung..

Mamaiena

I am returning his...

SubhanAllah...

Usaha menyatu dua hati atau petunjuk pada berakhirnya sebuah harapan? No one knows.. Sesungguhnya hanya DIA yang mengetahui sesuatu yang ghaib dan aku tidak mengetahui. Sekadar yang pasti, sebelum.. ketika dan selepas.. rasa itu masih sama.. the uneasy feeling.. nervous.. with percussion heartbeat whenever there's something related to him.. "Otuke??" I don't think the correct word.. It should be.. "Eolmana?.."

It's still me, that woman... How long? Till when? Allah knows the best..

Urgghh.. Some people recognize this unwell feeling heart walaupun sebaiknya berusaha sembunyikan.. At this age of 30, not for you to consider da sepatutnya.. But yet, you are the one who let him try.. That's me to be blamed.

There is argument, why I didn't take the opportunity to let him know my feeling? Cause I just don't have to.. He would understand if there is a chemistry within us, if we are made for each other, kan? I've played my part and if he shares the same feeling, the feeling will brings him back.

May be I'm not in a capacity of saying it out verbally.. let me share it through song.. The reason why I am not saying anything...

I'm still holding on you, that deep... Quoting:

I can't pretend these tears 

Aren't over flowing steadily 

I can't prevent this hurt from 

Almost overtaking me 

But I will stand and say goodbye 

For you'll never be mine 

Until you know the way it feels to fly 

If you should return to me

We truly were meant to be...

Yakinlah bahawa Allah itu perancang yang terbaik

InsyaAllah.. 

Love seems forbidden to you.. but why should you make it forbidden when there is someone willingly stand by your side 24/7? How can I say it to you on the hardness I've gone through? 

If only I can yell.. and punch you hard

why I am still enduring this hardness by the continuous fake love you've instilled in me.. 

Dear iena.. It's simple..

It's the love you have so much in you, for people surround you

this should be cherished and not to be blamed..

Mengelak sebarang kemungkinan..

Sisa-sisa malam kini lebih dimanfaatkan sebaiknya..
Adakalanya ada baiknya segala yang terjadi..

Benarlah ditiap alunan lagu dan puisi,
Sang penyair, si penulis begitu merayu-rayu,
Menyujut, menyembah memohon dipertimbang, dilulus
Setelah begitu bangga meninggalkan dengan alpa

Hari dimula dengan indah..
Sebaik mata terbuka..
Hati mengucap..
"Rabbi assir walla tu assir, Rabbi tammim bil hair"

Menjadi lazim untuk tidak menunai solat Isyak sebelum tidur..
Mengapa??
Agar diri itu tahu..
Ada hutang dengan Allah..
Berat mana mata, penat mana badan
Tersungkur di setiap sudut katil mohon 5 minit tidur..

Argh.. Alah bisa tegal biasa..
Hari ni, kena awal.. tiada supir yang bisa menurun dan mencari parkir..

Awal tak awal.. 8:05 am gak la..
Pagi dilewati dengan alunan lagu:
"Bergending.. - SM Salim"
"Lagu Zaman - Trio"
"Save the Last Dance for Me -Buble"
"Hatiku Dicuri Lagi - Sharifah Aini"

Mengharap agar satu ketika doa dan harapan itu diperkenan..
Agar tiada lagi bersandar pada yang salah..
Apalah ujian untuk hari ini..
Aah.. kebetulan la (hari-hari semalam)..
Bagaimana bisa tidak dipertemu selama 7 bulan..
Kini diuji sekerapnya? Apakah petunjuk yang ingin dikaji disebaliknya?

Lets give a try.. Tak terfikir..
Tanpa kanda teman berbicara
Teman bergurau senda
Teman meluah rasa
ketika berdua meluang masa
Di kafe membuka selera..

Urm.. lambatkan..
yang selalu mempelawa dah jauh berlalu
Tak sarapan la hari ni..

"Eh, meyla.. saya teman.. saya nak beli kentang kat Mokku.."
Rancak berbual hal dekan menanya yang macam-macam..
Lagak bersahaja menepis bercara..

"ASSALAMUALAIKUM.."

Muka diangkat melihat siapa..
Memanglah tiada rasa menegur sapa..
Dikala berada diperkarangan tempat kerja..

Tersentak membisu..
Dia menegur.. Baru balik dari sarapan gamaknya.. Berdua..
Itulah.. ramai yang bertanya.. Tak per ker? Dia ramai kawan perempuan..

Wa'alaikum salam..

Terus terputus segala cerita.. Terus berdebar paluan hati..
YaAllah.. rasanya masih sama.. sehingga bila training ini akan berterusan..
Jangan nanti bila sudah acapkali berjumpa.. Terasa kehilangan bila tidak mengusik mata..
Hadirnya dia sekadar masa yang ada..

Mohon ya Allah.. berikan kekuatan.. dan tetapkan hati menerima ketentuan..

Sekiranya sebaliknya.. mudahkan.. agar lembut hatinya selembut orangnya..
Biarlah yang keras penampilannya juga diberi kekerasan pada hatinya..
Mudah benar lentur tidak sekali melambang peribadi luarannya..

-Maghrib, CPS-
Billik baru.. Bilik En. Nik..

Kau Maha Mengetahui.. HambaMu sekadar memohon agar diringankan ujiannya..
*Lengan kiri bagai dipulas.. Mengapakah???!!"

untuk ke-n kalinya kebetulan itu berlaku..

Dalam sempoi hilai tawa,

Ada juga sisipan menguji rasa..

YaAllah.. sedang enak melayar facebook..

Tika mendidik rasa supaya cekal menerima..
Lihatlah dugaannya:

Habis Tai-Chi.. perut menggelodak lapar
Urm.. tampil Yana staff setia mempelawa
"Jom ina.. Kita g bli mkn"

lantaran dibawa ke sudut tangga berhampiran PG lab.. "Iskh.. tggu sini.. jgn pegi mana2.."
arahannya kerana tiada mahu dibawa mundar mandir ke depan opis dekan..

bersandar melepas lelah bersandar di pintu tangga
meneliti anak siswa/i yang lalu lalang..

terpana seketika.. semalam.. sistem mengait dirinya.. seawal pagi ini.. Allah uji lagi rasa itu..

terpaku sepasang mata pada notis hebahan bercorak promosi.. lihatlah gimik hati bermain rasa dg pasangan mata..

yaAllah.. rasa itu masih di situ.. tiap hari aku menyimpul petunjuk bahawa aku sedang diberi ruang menolak sehingga tiap hari Allah bantu memberi training agar hilang terus rasa terhadapnya

penutup hari.. sekilas jelingan terpalit antaranya
di satu sudut mebolak secemerlang rasa tanpa simpati.. di satu sudut diri merotan hati mengajar untuk menerima..

selangi waktu.. bagai dipermudah urusan ke sana..  entah apa perancanganNya untukku..

mendugakan? lihatlah ujian Allah mendidik hati agar cekal memahami.. dalam menilai makhlukNya yang lain.. masih memberi ruang kepada urusan rasa yang tah apa2..

Dosaku di balas di dunia

Debaran memangku kerja kian terasa.
Sebak rindu semakin ketara.
Moga perginya dituntun rapat agar bisa pulang dengan selamat

Hubungan dimula tanpa diriNya
Itulah silapnya..

Kiriman niat dan doa yang pertama memperlihat hubungan keretakkan

Kiriman niat dan doa yang kedua kalinya memperlihat perasaan membenci dan lebih berantakan..

Kiriman niat dan doa yang ketiga memohon petunjuk atas masa depan seterusnya..

Dalam diri tertib berdoa memohon pelbagai petunjuk dari hajjat sehinggalah istikarah.. tidur malamnya masih nyenyak.. tiada mimpi tanda ilham..

Perjalanan hariannya kian diduga.. dikala sebulat hati melupakan.. dipertemu empat mata bertentangan..

tika hati membungkal keras tanda pasrah.. diberikan dan diluangkan masa mengintai memandang dari jauh..

tatkala sekerasnya cuba menjauhi.. yaAllah.. ujiannya.. semakin acap mengembali ingatan..

boleh nak jadi cerita.. kesibukan hari ini.. masih mampu tersisip ingatan mengingatnya. Dosa besar apakah?Mohon diampuni dan tidak lagi dihimpit rasa sakit mengingati yang macam-macam..

Esok encik Fahmi.. vendor EASystem.. sila amend yang utama.. mohon search tu ditukar menjadi "INA" xpyh la sesimple sgt namanya... hahaha..

so disturbing.. always haunting my life..

its hurt la.. stop doing this.. please...

Dia bukan lagi siapa tapi pemangkin pada cintaNya

Tujuh bulan telah berlalu. tampak mudah, ada yang memandang enteng, ada yang tersenyum sinis, ada yang tiada putus memberi harapan, ada yang tampil dengan pelbagai nasihat.. 

Yang jelek:

Pada diri yang masih memikir.. Pada hati yang masih berharap.. Pada niat yang terus berdoa.. Pada memori yang masih mengulit impian.. Pada usaha yang tiada setimpal kudrat.. Pada rasa yang tidak pernah luak walau terus-terusan dikuis, dikuak, ditepis, ditolak, disindir, dibahasa.. kerana terlalu menerima diri seadanya..

 

Yang manis:

Pemakaiannya lebih sopan, penampilannya lebih perempuan, emosinya lebih stabil, solatnya lebih persis, bacaan alQurannya lebih lancar, solat malamnya lebih kerap, doanya lebih tertib, sabarnya lebih jelas..

Airmata teman setia, doa dan hadith peneman setia..

Hatinya makin rapuh sedikit demi sedikit menjadi debu..

Adakala dicabar mengapa dia yang diberi ujian

Sebulatnya hatinya memujuk m sohon bersabar

Mengapa diberi rasa percaya pada yang salah

SeIembutnya bisikan mohon mengalah

Dalam senyum tangisan hatinya meraung

Dalam gelak jiwanya rabak

Dalam berjenaka iras wajahnya hiba

Seperti anjing buruk kepala..

Mengapa masih memilih dirinya

Seperti melukut ditepi gantang

Mengapa masih mengasih dirinya

Akhirnya dia sedar..

Mengapa susah benar memberi rasa percaya untuk bersama.. Mengapa sulit benar mengukir memori bersama..

sukarnya melupakan.. tak semua manusia sifatnya sama.. sekali memberi komited selamanya.. sekali menyayangi tiada berkurangan.. sekali menjalin hubungan tiada erti memutuskan walau sehebatny berantakan..

Manusia itu sama hitam rambutnya..

Hati dan rasanya masih berlainan..

Bersabarlah wahai insan.. ada bahagianmu.. 

Bumi Allah ini besar.. andainya kamu ditindas..berhijrahlah.. 

I miss you

Apabila kamu berada dalam gundah..

Apabila tiada kuasa yang bisa menolak kehadiran..

Apabila perasaan itu menerjah tanpa mengambil kira erti rasional seorang manusia..

Ketahuilah.. seseorang sedang berada dalam ingatan sesorang..

http://youtu.be/hlCj_6Jku8w

itu kah tanda sayang atau cinta?

I am Johorean.. Jadi.. "kepada Allah berserah" Keep going.. Ya Allah permudah dan percepatkan segala urusan agar ujian ini berakhir sepantasnya. Engkau maha menyayangi dan maha mengetahui sesuatu yang tersirat.. Tidak sesekali diri ini sangsi dan bersangka buruk kepada ujianMu.. Sekadar mohon hidayahMu agar tetapkan hatiku utk kekal tabah dan kembali menyusur jalan yg lurus.. Sekiranya takdir tiada tertulis namaku.. Seandainya takdir tidak membisakan hidup ini berkeluarga.. Ya Allah.. Hindarilah hati ini dari terus menyayangi insan yang berkemungkinan membuatkan angan-angan seorang insan bernama perempuan ini lengkap..kekal.. Agar tiada bergantung harap.. Agar tidak bersandar impian.. Agar tidak meratapi perpisahan.. Agat tiada berkeinginan.. Agar tidak merasa kerinduan.. Agar hindar dari sedih yang berpanjangan.. Moga kasih sayang itu bersandar pada yang sudi.. Berlapik pada insan yang sedia.. Tiada salah merasa rindu.. Tapi mohonku hanya pada yang berupaya membalasnya.. Kerana rindu padaMu lebih besar sandaran nya.. Hati insan ini tiada terjangkau keupayaannya.. Bisa merindu yang tiada berbalas.. Kelak sendiri menghiris diri.. Kembalikan keyakinan.. Ketabahan.. Fokus pada keupayaan untuk kekal sendiri sehingga akhirnya.. Andainya si dia masih sihat dibumi mu.. Sedang berusaha mencariku.. Permudahkan urusannya.. Agar yang terjalin itu dibangunkan itu adalah keranaMu ya Allah.. Jika tiada.. Malapkan perasaan menunggu itu.. Hapuskan impian menggunung itu.. Agar lebih meredhai keadaan semasa dan tidak melebih2 mohon yang luar dari biasa.. Engkau penentu dan pengadil yang bijaksana.. Terlalu banyak kelemahan diri ini sehingga tiada yang bisa berkongsi bersama.. Menjarak di saat mula.. Justeru.. Ku mohon tiada lagi yang mendekati jika sekadar hadir menulis memori.. Yang kucari insan yang menjadi pena dan pemadam dalam diari hidupku.. Moga Allah mempermudah dan memperkenan doa ku.. Agar tiada lagi resah menanti dan remuk dihimpit rindu pada yang bukan milikku..ameen..

Glancing - Seimbas pandangan.. Eased the...

Recovering the spirit..

When there was a situation when you miss someone so very much (*obviously too much**)
which you know the chances would be 20-80, how could we face this situation rationaly?

Let me share mine. I do not have guts to over reacting towards something.. Usually, when people say "No", I would say.. "Its up to you".. Follow rules set to me.. Follow orders, Facilitate people at the best level I can.. To me, its not because you do not have stand.. but you are trying not to hurt their feeling by rejecting them. Be honest with you guys.. The return are worth, trust me. I would say.. Due to considering others, HE considers mine...

I've been missing someone so much till one day, I could not overcome such feeling anymore longer. Till a stage where, when you open up your eyes early in the morning.. that face turn first after you grabbed your handphone to look at the time whether you have missed your Subh prayer or not.. That day seems so haunted when each angle in your heart.. that person kept on knocking your heart.. I tried this way.. Believe that person is always there with you.. With du'a, hoping for HIS guidance.. We've met in my dream and it was so close till you can feel it in real. So real till you are no longer have the feeling.

I've tried again for few times. Latest, HE has made arrangement where I will be away for few days and usually I would met or call or text all of my beloved dear(s). However, the situation hurdle me to meet someone. Again, HE knows me well.. Out of nowhere, we accidentally falls eyes between us.. A glance which washed up the whole tears of missing.. How I could say it loudly.. Dear lover(s).. all people that I love most.. My heart is so perfect as you are inside me..

Please.. be grateful of what you have rather that keep on wishing for things we dont have..

When I start my day by being grateful of what I have

- Healing process

The Secret brought me to another chapter of a secret life.. To be grateful of whatever you have. To appreciate what you have in present and throw positive thinking for future. So, I start by cherishing my day.. "Thank you for make me still alive, I am grateful for having my best friend loving me, for having my hero who encourage me towards HIM, for having a well-planned strategies for Research University.. etc"

I started my day continuing my recitation of Al-Quran, Surah An-Nur (My surah).. and I stopped at An-Nur (24:32)
"Marry those among you who are single, or the virtuous ones among yourselves, male or female: if they are in POVERTY, Allah will give them means out of His grace: for Allah encompasseth all, and he knoweth all things" Rezeki ada di mana-mana, InsyaAllah..

Its alert me to be more rationale and stay put to my initial principles. Being grateful of what we have made my best friend text me early in the morning wish Morning personally (shocked me for few second before I replied).. followed by another bestest friend of mine seeking assistance in dealing dengan my ex-schoolmate bf tuk beli baju.. My ex-asasian bf, ajak mendaki broga hill.. - its when you grateful of what you have in present.

As I am grateful by having hero in my life, this weird.. I am waiting for this Friday meeting but turn out.. I have been appointed to join IIUM delegation to Indonesia.. Excited plus frustrated coz I will not be joining the meeting.. held at.. hahaha.. I should say, you know where

There might be reasoned for HIM to arrange it that way. :) It might be a big smile versus long ended sorrow.. may be.. However, I have to seek for my buku merah.. (Dear Tun Razak - not that buku merah).. Packing... Nyesal jer tukar duit Malaysia from Rpiah..

Again happy things.. Nabil called me mentioning on his result.. He passed.. Tomorrow result will be finally released. One more will be graduating this year.. I am waiting for my lil hero and my hero.. My prayer will always be with you.

Whatever it is.. Its part of gaining back your spirit to stand again on your own feet..

When you put HIM aside for one second after a great moment HE gave you.

I have stopped from writing on this blog after experiencing very big changes in my life. It was so much hurt and a deep adult hurt which somehow beyond my expectation. It starts when I felt certain of settling down. It was two (2) months back and things were happened because of me.

I am sharing this just to ensure people did not repeat the same mistake. After waiting for two (2) years admiring and hoping for someone which you never have chances to be near him be with you, at last, the law of attraction with HIS guidance have put us together. When I know that I just could not afford of losing him, I was selfish. I left HIM from being part of our relationship. I was too afraid.. Too afraid that he is not the owner of the rib that I am holding of.

Cherish all the great moments, sharing thoughts and feelings.. Try knowing the positives and negatives side of us have led us to a serious talk. Allow me to quote lyrics bulan ditutup awan.. “Wahai janji setia sudah diucapkan. Aduh, kata bersumpah telah kupadukan..” The courage inside me made me so confident and certain of this relationship.

Here when it comes, when you try to avoid HIS involvement in your life. When you intentionally did not seek HIS guidance in deciding on this relationship because of your selfishness and too carried away by the miracle which HE is the one who made all those arrangement. And HE allowed you to design your life like you wanted to. Till you at last realized that you just could not go further without HIS blessing.

Things changed drastically when I tie a promise with HIM that I will be marrying him if and only if I successfully completed reciting Al-Quran (khatam) in which to be honest, I have tried so many years to complete but due to self intervention I failed in accomplishing it. Itulah dia.. manusia mudah leka dengan nikmat dan pemberianNya.

In fact, I have put my deep believe of HIM in deciding what best for me by a short note to Sr. Masita before she left for umrah. She read my prayer to HIM and within those two (2) weeks (she still performing her umrah) HE has answered my prayer. Ya Allah, I am so sorry for the worst things I have ever done.

The faith took charged and we were totally separated. He is in his own way.. and me on mine.. Itulah dia “jodoh dan pertemuan itu di tangan Tuhan”. HE loves me so much. I should realize that earlier. HE has been there to assist me and guide me whenever I need. All I have to do is just to sincerely put my du’a (request) to HIM.

HIS has been there since I am broke after losing RM60K, since I have been push towards my limit during completing my master, since I was jobless after pull out from UKM, HE gave me opportunity to be an officer at Johor, Johor Port Authority. Then I felt lonely staying far alone, I wished days and nights to be transferred and HE answered again. I have received offer from IIUM within two weeks of my present at Pasir Gudang. Now, HE arranged my wish (since I am a kid) to met person from my hometown.

I was a jerk for not thanking HIM of what HE did to me. And again, I am hoping HIS assistance and guidance to put me back in order. I have losing my track, and HE knows it well. So, please people out there, HE should be the DIRECTOR and PRODUCER of our life. Never decide without HIS guidance. Only HE has the ultimate power, no matter how perfect the plans and designs you have made.

For HIM, I am reserving my life for your re-consideration.
For him, I hope it’s the best. Kita merancang, tuhan menentukan.
For me, I should say (with mood “terukir dibintang”), as of now, this heart is just no longer belongs to me. But I seek HIS assistance to bring it back to me from him if he turns out not to be the correct owner of the rib I am holding and he is not my true HERO and IMAM.

Happy sharing! Yakin dengan ketentuanNya dan berserah.. insyaAllah..

Sharing is caring..

I love you more than ever

Lets continue our story.. Its 26 October 2011 when he decided to approach me seriously.. It takes me few minutes to think and decide. It was too fast to start but i can feel the chemistry between us. He confidently said.. He never express his feeling ever. He seems too naive and too humble. Thats made him special to me. It doesnt last and this was the shortest but really painful. Why? Coz i allowed him to be nearer to me. We have frequently met for breakfast..lunch or even dinner..

I praise to Allah for all of the moments. Many things shared.. Its great to actually to have partner. I felt my life complete.. Stable job.. Loving bestfriend.. family n him.. But it doesnt last. I was so certain by my feeling.. But we cant execute as plan. He turned me down.. Honestly.. I cant even properly exhale or inhale.

Things distracted. Ive lost focus n control.. All my effort and mind have been critically thinling ways and possibility to make things better.. Yet. Ive failed. Lets turn him into literature.. Start a new book..thank you for everything.. I wont dare to be with man anymore.. Dun.. N never

Trigger has been pulled and hit us in deep

Gosh! Staying in this room quietly has initiated my mood to update this blog. Wait, let me place my order first. Urm, Mc Donald je la. Let start the story. It was 27th convocation, the history repeated. Everytimes I saw PhD graduan pass by stage, my heart eagerly urge me to pursue my studies. Best part is, this time, I text my previous lecturer who is currently trn out to be the head of department. Wot a great start. He willingly welcome me to join the FEA back. Im lucky as Ive also obtained positive feedback from my former fellow who is now holding a post as a Deputy Dean (PGR) at Sport Centre, MU. Join supervisor is possible. Urm, I promise my former supervisor, Dr. ALI that we will have an appointment to discuss on my research topic.

The point is, its like "hot hot chicken shit" when no follow up ever made since that. Ive been transferred to the Admission unit which doesnt permit me to start my PhD. Work constraint. Perhaps, i can leave CPS with good improvement on the admission processes. Things happen for a reason. No problem. Its Rezza's graduation day when he was on duty to hand scroll to the Deputy Dean, A&R. Since this happen before October, I should proudly called A&R. Hahha. Tetibe nada dengki kuar.

Mak ai, mcm org nk g menikah lagak gayany. Hahaha. I was with k.yan mase tu. Sambil gelak2 ckp psl mamat ni. "amboi k.yan, bkn main lagi org tua ats stage tu usha makwe br grad". We bumped several times, but he seems too busy kononnya. In fact, I try to stop him. Tapi, its lucky for not stopping him or else, definitely the whole family will be introduced to him indirectly. See? Things happen for a reason. Punya la lalu laju jer depan kita smpi kita pggl pn buat dek, sah mamat ni xbole makan. Haha. Wotever.

Few days later, its final day when I was on stage to be as wot he be. Dengan robe yg berat, which i xmau pkai coz im hoping for PhD robe from MU. As the session ended, it was during lunch time and k.yan was there waiting for me. Here comes the red button pushed. She wanted to snap picture of me n him. Xotai la kalu xmau gambar. Professional ina, professional. Haish, k.yan ni.

Ok la, i never asked for that picture pun till i came to know that she has immediately share it through fb. OMG!!! He acted first and it seems like he didnt favor it. Biasalah, to me, normal reaction. i just keep myself silent when he got into his nerve. K.yan, k.yan. I try my luck to hit the spot. With few hidden questions. Gotcha, he responded and ive got the absolute answer.

Its end there. K.yan try to be matchmaker rupanya. Hahaha. Xjd pun. Hehehe. She kept asking the progress, and ive told her, please la, i cant be with this guy. And she asked me why. Rational is rational and she understood. But she seems help me figure out ways to my true feeling when she said, k.yan rase die tgh sambung belajar. :o)

Wide open heart? See? Gurls, slalu mcm tu, cpt bnor pecah tembok cina ny. Nope, im not. It was rebuilt and continuously rebuilt so i wont have feeling or crush on him. Tolongla. Ina, grows up. U r not girl of age 15 la.

How can I confirm? Wait!!Why should I? Haih.. Otuke? +_+'

Got to share with u, guys that i fall of will turn out to be my bestfriend. Why? I dun think I can be theirs, so to be near, lets make friends. Hahhaa. Sape my best boyfriends? Too many la. It ways for me to block my feeling from carried away. Borink merintih pd yang tentu2 x bersapa tepukan tu. Try to do it.. Its work out well on me.. Fine...

As I try, usaha la nk jadi kwn, (although mls da nk bt kwn baru da umur2 camni..) by texting through fb. PM la which I could confidently said worst text ever!! "En. ****, sy da tukar unit with k.yan. Hope u can assist her in future." Kaitssss kn? Mamat ni mmg pembaris. Da la. Lets try other people la. That might be the reasons why he is still single. Not interested to woman agkny. But dats good to have him as my friends. Hahaha.

Wotever. Maleh la. Dat would not be suitable match la. Gaya gitu, jenuh lak nk bbual, asek kena cari idea n isu. Eh, hahahaha but suddenly I've got respond. He intended to buy me lunch. Me? Org blanja babe, mkn free, ape lg. It was my first lunch nasi arab at IIUM cafe beside B.Muamalat. Urm, sedap gak. Harga pun marvellous. Memang haibat la sepatah kata Danish. Hahaha. Nasib ar, sape suh nk blnja kt ctu. Briyani kambing, mandy lg. Tu je pn yg i familiar with. Huhu.

Wotever reason it might be, the picture brought us nearer. Teman sevillage la katakan. Kena jaga repo la. Hahaha. Next, when txt msg conversed fluently till we can't help losing penny for each txt being sent. I could not define this feeling clearly. And I hate it so much. Chill breaks!! As u go through this experience along with me, u will realize, its a short term feeling of love. But never stop loving people. Never. Sometimes, HE lend u the person for a while, for u to know that someone out there is meant for u. Not to stop urself from searching. Give up is for loser. Stand up n be on ur feet. My beloved best friends, Azua, Jaja n Mon, u guys are my strength at this point. Thank you for always there by my side. Here, for people I love within this life long journey, i thank you so much for hold me up when i stumble.

Lets share this video clip I've obtained from youtube. Credit to the person who made an effort to upload such an amazing masterpiece of work. Thank you for loving me, and count on me.. Thank you!!

facebook get us closer

Hye there. Lets continue. This blog of mine is for me sharing my thoughts, feelings and perception towards something. It might not in line with ur thought but please do not take this into ur nerve.

With my regular breakfast partner, she frequently motivate me to work on my social relationship. Me? Not interested. Its not denying it but it seems impossible to work on it after thinking of my 24/7 busiest lifestyle. She pick names of iium staff who are still single. After all, one name has caught my intention, but 'xrock' la tnye immediately. Wotever.

Few months later, mcm diatur, someone add me through fb. Who was this guy? Early in d morning, I seek her opinion, should i approve him? "ape salahny berkawan". Actually, i try to look for his fb. Stalker btol. But i cld not find any. Owh, he is using differ spelling of name. Haiyo, why shld u name urself with name which out of norm? Ok!!successfully added.

First, private message has caught my intention: "salam, awk org pontian ke?" only then, i looked on his profile and it shows he comes from my hometown. Walla! Good shot! It continues but stop unexpectedly as he seems irregularly upadte his fb. My word"do.i.look like i care". Boring tggu late reply. Hahaha.

Biasala, lelaki.. Retetan from dat, i received txt msg asking me to be at senate hall for health screening. Number without names means, dat person is not in my list. Ive narrowed it down. Definitely iium staff. It cld be my staff. So, not knowing who d person is, i replied, ill be there. Which then, im not lps k.yan xpegi. I asked k.yan bout d number and requested her to dial through hers but she. refused. But she dialled it using iium hunting line. Someone pick up, owh, its unbelievable when he is the said person. I still kept myself in secured position. Ello, biasala disseminate info pd other staff.

Its kuch kuch. Otuke?

Please avoid me from being hurt at this age. Please. To heal, i might not able to stand back.

Student Clearance System Meeting vs Handphone Number

afternoon guys!!! Ya Allah, i should begins with assalamualaikum kot. still dont get d beat. if Rector knows, i will be immediately being sack from IIUM. :)

Owh, let me story mory on what happened in that meeting. That was an annoying meeting. You might have this in my mind.."haih, budak nie, semua pun annoying kt uiam ni". its true. i was annoyed by this guy who mentioning on IIUM dress code. It was me who initiated three pieces concept at IIUM. people was like never seen such dressing. uuuhhh, CPS staff should not be allowed on that type of dressing. I was treated like challenging the dress code. People who know me out there, am I that kind of person? hahaha. this one guy keep on repeating dress code during clearance system meeting. can u see d relation? i bet u cant. entahla.

wotever, before i take any action, those things have been considered la bro. ape2 la. this meeting should not be attended by me intially, but no one else at CPS that time who fit enough to attend. with blurr mood, i was urged to attend, then, out of sudden i was attacked by this lousy guy, indirectly. :)

now, only me has accessed to d system. other two person were now at KIRKHS and MSD. back to our story. i was attending this meeting with si Dia, boring btol. hahaha. end of d day, he collected attendance. then, out of sudden, he requested all of the members to write down hp number, just in case for futher references. although there was ally mc beal's voice asking me, why is hp number is required. apakah?

lalalalala. kaits kekadang perangai orang UIAM ni!!! why im sharing diz? i guess u can predict why. that times, me also didnt know the hidden agenda behind his action to have all of the members handphone number.

..when numbers introduced us..

Hye.. I am back.. see?? when my heart is in its level best as all of the application forms are out for kulliyyah's evaluation. Yet, to tell you the truth, I notice that there are 91 forms left at CPS without exact status. Only Asmadi can assist to reduce number of application form pending at CPS by updating list of rejected forms due to incomplete documents. (Academic Credentials and Research Proposal only)

Back to our story. I have mentioned before that he brought me doughnut right. Forgot to say, he left me note but without name. In Malay, "logik x logik tu?". The note written "4046" (my favourite number is 6 while my best friend's is 4). What the hell on earth can I retrieve those numbers. Since I am new, definitely I wont know what was that refers to. the Dean's secretary mentioned the guy name as I am asking, who did this. haha.. garang la cikit.

Owh.. its the extension number. So, should I call? Okla.. make la a courtesy call.. to acknowledge the acceptance of doughnut. I should printed a letter like accepting the application form. Computer generated, signature is not required. hahaha.

Still my uneasy feeling remains and it was first and last I received from him for that year. Maybe he also annoyed as I regularly interrupt the schedule with my language requirement proposal paper. Hello, do I look like, I like doing it? He urges me, you pushing me out.. Dean lagi, dier lagi..

Madam Abazaimah is so new that time, we both together went up the senate hall just because I dont want to meet that annoying guy. Takut sebenarnya.. Masam mencuka dia when I presented the amended version. Amended kot. Typing error. Alamak x bole tolerate langsung.

Ok.. I should go back now. Kak Ita da nak balik ni.. Maghrib da.. to be continued... Next would be on the meeting on Student's clearance system. Urm, this should be shared la.. sebab jarang kot kena meeting dengan mamat ni.. hahaha

Whenever the heartbeat beating fast

Entering the institution has made me know someone which is very annoying. Most of the time, I have been requested to meet him for formal issues. HUH! I hate meeting him cause each times we met, my heart beat fast and the anxious hormone flows throughout my body. Its happened for the past two (2) years ago.

People kept on mentioning his name each month of the Gregorian Calendar neither Hijrah Calendar. I have tried my level best not to get directly involved with him and I do not know why. I just have the uneasy feeling towards him. Meetings, events which involved us will made me stressed and no one knows about this except me. Those awkward feeling was so bad inside me.

To avoid those uneasy feeling, I try to be professional by doing some research on who is this person, how is his characters just to identify why my feeling is this bad towards this guy. Unidentified feeling.

Argh, my colleague, my facebook chat friend has assisted me a lot. Out of nowhere as we were talking bout partner and as I mentioned my intention to be with Johorean, this sister suddenly brought his name and said "...Sis, he is Johorean. And he is still single" Duuuhhhh, no wonder he is single. People are cursing each month cause of the deadline which totally death and could not be negotiated. Erm.. no wonder, he is so much meticulous, fussy, strict, follow the book.. he is a Johorean. Hahaha. Urm.. okies. Time passed by, its been a year, me in here. And to be honest, I love my position which minimize me from meeting him.

But this weird guy has somehow too generous in tighten the colleagues relationship. Within my first year with the institution, he came up to my office left me doughnut. I would not rather risk myself by taking those things from people especially guys. This fella has played a good strategies. He dropped PA of the Dean the same things which made me.. ahaaa, other people also getting the same. Okies, its a treat, which he claimed balance from the meeting. (deep in my heart, apakah?? pahal nak bagi kita lak..) but "orang berbudi, kita berbahasa, orang memberi, kita merasa"

Should I continue? Its almost 2am.. I need to have short break for sleep. To many things to share as I have stopped writing for almost a year. To support me to write more, give me your opinion.. assist me in determining my awkward feeling towards this guy.

Love Story of A Simple Little Girl

She fall in love when she was in Standard 3. Sitting beside her was an ordinary boy which not too handsome and not too brilliant. This girl has her own way to psycho and protect herself from falling in love. But this ordinary boy had successfully make her so in love with him. A love that build with a way of Islam. They never have gut to meet for more than 1 hour in fact.

They used to communicate through phone until they declared couple when they were in Form 3. The love journey start.. Once declared, the boy found something different. They became not so truly into each other. They are no longer best friend which actually a thousand reasons created just to end up the relationship. It was a hard time to her. Pretending she is always a happy go lucky girl, she stood up and stand still... Since then, she close tight her feeling towards guy. All guys who she intended to like will be her best friend.

Until one day, she like this guy so much. But obviously, she has a feeling that she will never been seen by him especially. Tactical strategies implied. She get close to one of his friends and here it goes. Just a two or three phone calls made and it stop when he got attached to someone else. (very cute girl)

She? She was technically a very energetic person, never let her tiny feeling encounter the whole body system. That the different. When she entered matriculation center, she attached with this guy but they did not clearly declared. She was too trauma with her first love and she always think that love never meant for her.

The love end quickly, as she was not up to the standard that the guy's family is expecting. In Malay, we used to say "Enggang sama Enggang, pipit sama pipit". Again, she broke into pieces. After 7 years, and when she has that guts, they tear it.

Ever since then, whenever she got a feeling towards man, she will try hard to find his weakness. She decided not to declare any serious relationship with hope that she won't loose the relationship.

Now, the guy that she falls in the first sight came with so many co-incident. The China wall built 8 years in her heart slowly cracked. But she just could not help herself from thinking it wont work smoothly. Pray to HIM almighty is the only way to ensure whether he is the one or not.

Those negative thinking were actually a trauma. A trauma which leads her to be demotivated, demoralized, no confident in any love relationship. is it fair enough to her? (I pun xtau la manusia jenis aper nie). More serious whenever she start thinking of relationship, her mind would be automatically change to further studies. So, whenever she said that she intended to further studies, its means dier ada la yang berkenan di hati.. hahaha..

This is a story that sometimes they think a fairytale but it does exist in our life.

She used to make herself busy whenever she felt lonely and need to be accompanied. Life is short, yesterday, a 32 years old officer at IIUM passed away. I just can help her to pray for her best. For her with love, pray hard to Allah. He knows the best!

Whatever mean dear, kawan-kawan la dulu.. teeettttttt....

To her:
1. Stop comparing
2. Stop psycho yourself. No one is perfect la babe..
3. Think wise is need but think too wise is disaster.. huhuh